Thank you for sharing your financial vulnerabilities 🙏
I feel many of these things too, and am in the process of dealing with them as well.
I resonated with "I want the resource without using it." I overcame this by getting 2x of the resource instead 😂, discovering that it was just a moving goal post, and then really leaned into the whole mindset of "money is used to solve problems" and the biggest glaring problem I had was being a hollow shell of a person from continuous work that didn't align with my values.
I still struggle with that feeling of "behind" rather than "set". I'm working on this by trying to define my life beyond net worth. I still check it during my sabbatical to make sure I'm ok, but really, it's that anxious self looking to make sure it's okay. I have yet to figure out how to help accept this anxious part of myself in a way that's more healthy (away from spreadsheets, net worth, etc).
For the smaller things like "should I add extra meat to this sandwich?" or if things are "worth it", I find that it helps to put things into the frame of things I really love or unforgettable experiences. $50 for [something]? Is that worth the joy of a jiujitsu seminar or a nice meal with my partner?
Or, is it worth $1k to take a flight to China/Taiwan and learn about my parent's history and spend time with them for 2-3 weeks? Goddamn, it could've been $2-3k and I think I still would've gone (an unforgettable, once-in-a-lifetime chance).
100%! So much of these feelings come from a deep seated fear of not feeling safe, and learning to find safety in ourselves vs the outside world. I am inspired by the steps you’ve taken, thank you for sharing ❤️
Thanks for sharing, I wrestle with this too, I don’t think it ever really goes away, as each phase of life (child, single, married, parent, retirement) brings new money challenges.
One thing that has helped me is trying to decouple money from my personal identity and sense of worth. Instead of using it as a measuring stick for my life, which will never be enough, I just think of it as a tool, just like I have a hammer in the garage. It’s good to have when I need to build something but I don’t hang it on my belt everywhere I go and compare it to hammers other people have in their garage.
The more dispassionate I am about money, the less it seems to worry me. This is especially helpful for the comparison games we all play. If I can say to myself, “money is not the measure of a good life”, then I also no longer care how much other people have.
The second thing that has helped is to realize “more is never enough”. As long as you use money as a measuring stick, getting more keeps you in the same worry/comparison games, just with higher income people. And my observation has been that the higher the income bracket, the more obsessed people become about status games.
Money has powerful emotional effects on us, with contributing factors from our culture, parents, society, friends, etc so there can be a lot to unravel, I wish you the best on your journey to freedom from worry.
Thank you for sharing Dave! Agreed with you the money comparison is a continuous battle you can never win. I'm curious what are other things you use to define success besides $.
Mostly intangible things. Am I being a loving, kind person? Am I helping others along their journey? Am I becoming a person of integrity? Am I keeping my commitments? I suppose if I had to summarize, it would be something along the lines of being a better person, helping others, and leaving the world a better place than how I found it. The kinds of things people will remember you for at your funeral.
I related to so much of this, Vinamrata. The dance of aligning our life circumstances and expectations with "what is enough" when it comes to financial security is such a nuanced topic. It's inspiring to see you unpacking it with so much self awareness. I had similar experiences growing up and am still finding that balance between living my dreams vs saving for the long term. Thank you for sharing your challenges so openly. 🙏
I enjoyed reading this and found a bunch of aspects to be very relatable: Growing up as the child of educated but not-financially-well-off parents with a tight grocery budget, feeling like I have to make good on my pedigree, having worked to be financially self-sustaining woman, etc. Thanks for the great read!
Thanks for sharing!! Related a lot to your journey with money/ grew up similarly always feeling like I wasn’t supposed to spend on frivolous things. And now as an adult I struggle with managing my money and often choose the avoidance path. So your post was extremely relatable! Especially the part where one cannot but help comparing with others and money is often the most common metric of comparison coz it’s quantifiable
100%! you actually touched on something i didn't explicitly say- that money is a quantifiable way to understand your "worth" and therefore compare against others. Such a good re-reminder of that!
Truly appreciate the honesty and vulnerability with sharing these sensitive and messy feelings surrounding pursuing your own path, adulting, and learning how to be happy, V! I constantly find myself arriving at similar questions as those explored in your Substack, and I think you are hitting on really important questions here. It’s about constantly learning and finding the right balance to live a happy life on our own terms, and I’m grateful for your bravery in putting these questions out there!
Thank you for sharing your financial vulnerabilities 🙏
I feel many of these things too, and am in the process of dealing with them as well.
I resonated with "I want the resource without using it." I overcame this by getting 2x of the resource instead 😂, discovering that it was just a moving goal post, and then really leaned into the whole mindset of "money is used to solve problems" and the biggest glaring problem I had was being a hollow shell of a person from continuous work that didn't align with my values.
I still struggle with that feeling of "behind" rather than "set". I'm working on this by trying to define my life beyond net worth. I still check it during my sabbatical to make sure I'm ok, but really, it's that anxious self looking to make sure it's okay. I have yet to figure out how to help accept this anxious part of myself in a way that's more healthy (away from spreadsheets, net worth, etc).
For the smaller things like "should I add extra meat to this sandwich?" or if things are "worth it", I find that it helps to put things into the frame of things I really love or unforgettable experiences. $50 for [something]? Is that worth the joy of a jiujitsu seminar or a nice meal with my partner?
Or, is it worth $1k to take a flight to China/Taiwan and learn about my parent's history and spend time with them for 2-3 weeks? Goddamn, it could've been $2-3k and I think I still would've gone (an unforgettable, once-in-a-lifetime chance).
100%! So much of these feelings come from a deep seated fear of not feeling safe, and learning to find safety in ourselves vs the outside world. I am inspired by the steps you’ve taken, thank you for sharing ❤️
Hi Vinamrata,
Thanks for sharing, I wrestle with this too, I don’t think it ever really goes away, as each phase of life (child, single, married, parent, retirement) brings new money challenges.
One thing that has helped me is trying to decouple money from my personal identity and sense of worth. Instead of using it as a measuring stick for my life, which will never be enough, I just think of it as a tool, just like I have a hammer in the garage. It’s good to have when I need to build something but I don’t hang it on my belt everywhere I go and compare it to hammers other people have in their garage.
The more dispassionate I am about money, the less it seems to worry me. This is especially helpful for the comparison games we all play. If I can say to myself, “money is not the measure of a good life”, then I also no longer care how much other people have.
The second thing that has helped is to realize “more is never enough”. As long as you use money as a measuring stick, getting more keeps you in the same worry/comparison games, just with higher income people. And my observation has been that the higher the income bracket, the more obsessed people become about status games.
Money has powerful emotional effects on us, with contributing factors from our culture, parents, society, friends, etc so there can be a lot to unravel, I wish you the best on your journey to freedom from worry.
Thank you for sharing Dave! Agreed with you the money comparison is a continuous battle you can never win. I'm curious what are other things you use to define success besides $.
Mostly intangible things. Am I being a loving, kind person? Am I helping others along their journey? Am I becoming a person of integrity? Am I keeping my commitments? I suppose if I had to summarize, it would be something along the lines of being a better person, helping others, and leaving the world a better place than how I found it. The kinds of things people will remember you for at your funeral.
I feel many of these things too. Leaving NYC was helpful 😂
Working on it!
I related to so much of this, Vinamrata. The dance of aligning our life circumstances and expectations with "what is enough" when it comes to financial security is such a nuanced topic. It's inspiring to see you unpacking it with so much self awareness. I had similar experiences growing up and am still finding that balance between living my dreams vs saving for the long term. Thank you for sharing your challenges so openly. 🙏
Thank you friend. I am so glad that what I wrote resonated with you. Here’s to healing from our insecurities ❤️
It is so wonderful that you can identify and put in to words your fear and insecurities so well
As well work on them
Very proud of you
Thank you mom. I love you, always.
I enjoyed reading this and found a bunch of aspects to be very relatable: Growing up as the child of educated but not-financially-well-off parents with a tight grocery budget, feeling like I have to make good on my pedigree, having worked to be financially self-sustaining woman, etc. Thanks for the great read!
Thank you for sharing Susan! I'm glad it resonated.
Thanks for sharing!! Related a lot to your journey with money/ grew up similarly always feeling like I wasn’t supposed to spend on frivolous things. And now as an adult I struggle with managing my money and often choose the avoidance path. So your post was extremely relatable! Especially the part where one cannot but help comparing with others and money is often the most common metric of comparison coz it’s quantifiable
100%! you actually touched on something i didn't explicitly say- that money is a quantifiable way to understand your "worth" and therefore compare against others. Such a good re-reminder of that!
Truly appreciate the honesty and vulnerability with sharing these sensitive and messy feelings surrounding pursuing your own path, adulting, and learning how to be happy, V! I constantly find myself arriving at similar questions as those explored in your Substack, and I think you are hitting on really important questions here. It’s about constantly learning and finding the right balance to live a happy life on our own terms, and I’m grateful for your bravery in putting these questions out there!
thank you hanqing- i appreciate the support <3 i hope your move has gone smoothly and you've had a good start to your new role :)