Falling out of love with New York City

A behind-the-scene look at our next move

My time in New York City is coming to an end.

I knew this day was coming—it’s a natural part of the evolution of your relationship with the city. It’s when the stuff you used to love about the city suddenly drives you crazy. Like any relationship, there’s a choice: do you stay and try to make it work, or go somewhere to start fresh?

New York City at night and bathed in the lights <3

The breaking point

This year, I joined a pickleball league. To make more friends from league, I introduced myself to a new person. Their first question: “Are you good?” Is that the only important thing about me- whether I’m good at a sport meant to be played for fun? I know that, deep down, she was probably feeling insecure and trying to make herself feel better. But I’m also tired of constantly feeling like I must prove myself—that I am a winner.

It’s not just the hypercompetitiveness. The aggressive energy is palpable. I can’t even count the number of items I’ve been told to fuck off on the subway, or yelled at by homeless people. Initially, you blame it on yourself, perhaps increasing vigilance or calling less attention to yourself. But after a while, you realize that it’s not you. This is just what the city has become.

The worst part of all of this? I can see myself hardening. When I go to other parts of the US, I immediately distrust people’s kindness, or their willingness to get to know me better. They must want something from me. Even though I know deep down that’s not true, I can’t help myself.

I don’t want to live constantly distrustful of my surroundings and the people around me.

This is not to say that there aren’t wonderful things about NYC. The culture, food, diversity, community, creativity, public transit… there’s so much aliveness and beauty in this city that you cannot find anywhere else. There’s a reason that there’s no other place in the world like New York City. For a long time, these things were enough— worthwhile to stick it out and fight through the challenges.

But after almost five years of this, I realize I want more. I want a house with actual space. I want to have kids, and I don’t want them to grow up feeling distrustful of the world. I want them to lead with curiosity. I want to be closer to family—all the things that are incongruent with New York City.

Quintessential NYC: Statue of Liberty at night.

Finding our new home

Like the analytical people we are, my husband and I researched 10 different cities based on various criteria (cost of living, community, weather, walkability, etc.). We settled on two options: Chicago and Austin.

Austin makes a ton of sense. My husband used to live there, and has many friends/community there. My brother lives in Austin, and my parents want to retire there in the next few years. The cost of living is excellent (along with the weather)... but the Texas politics is questionable. Especially as someone who wants to become a mother, the idea that the state legislature will control certain aspects of healthcare doesn’t feel exciting to me (along with the issue of guns, which is a whole other thing).

On the other hand, Chicago is very similar to NYC: good public transit, strong cultural scene, great food, and good airport access. However, neither of us has a family or community in the city proper. The weather is also… brutal. We visited Chicago in February of this year, and my fingers felt like they would fall off my hands the entire time.

Every time we sit down to decide, we’re faced with this gnawing feeling of compromise. Either option is going to require making some changes to how we live. Deep down, I think we both know we’re probably moving to Austin. The family, weather, and community aspects feel too hard to pass up. But it’s so hard to accept for both of us, which is why we—normally decisive people—are having a hard time making this decision. We are constantly waffling back and forth and giving ourselves until end of this year to actually make the move.

It all comes back to…

Grief.

As much as I’m feeling out of love for New York City, it is my home, which will always have a special place in my heart. Having moved from SF, I also know that it will be inevitable that I will lose some friends in NYC. Phone catch-ups and texting only take you so far.

On top of losing friends, I’m also losing a way of life. It’s the small details, like driving instead of taking the subway, and big things, like how I’ll find a creative community or opportunities for writing/directing in a smaller place like Austin. It will be a lot to figure out and require many adjustments, compromises, and rethinking of myself.

But I focus on the fact that loss also brings gain, even if not immediately. Maybe there’s a new version of myself that I’ll get to unlock in Austin—someone I have yet to meet, but someone I’m excited to become.

Thanks for reading!

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