What to do when everything feels like it's not going your way

September's been a tough month y'all

Oct 14, 2025

My film was supposed to go into production the first week of October: a milestone that I’ve been working towards for over a year.

Instead, the shoot has been pushed to late November because one of our lead actors got COVID three days before. Thankfully, we didn’t lose a ton of money in the process; we were able to cancel our rentals just in time for a refund, and our locations were extremely flexible in letting us reschedule. We’re still on track to make the film, and the extra time isn’t a bad thing- it gives my cinematographer and I time to play around with lighting and tighten the shot list, and more time with actors to explore the characters.

Yet at the same time, I feel… defeated. Since I got back from vacation in September, it felt like I was taking L after L as we got some unexpected news from my husband’s job. All this stability that I had worked so hard to build felt like it was slipping away.

The D word.

I feel like I’ve been in this hazy depressive spell for the past two weeks. Everything feels like a chore. Nothing really felt satisfying. I’m numbing myself with YouTube or old movies (shout out to American Psycho), and while I know is the exact opposite of what I should be doing, I also don’t know how to stop myself. It’s like I’m caught in a quicksand but everything I’m doing is just making me sink deeper and deeper.

One day, on the subway home from running some errands, I had an unexplainable urge to write. I took out my journal and kept writing and writing and almost missed my stop. It seemed like all the things that I had been avoiding were pouring out of me. Why was I so sad? Why isn’t it enough that I still get to make the movie? Why can’t I snap out of this?

Burnout + uncertainty + loneliness = depression.

I’d had this ennui feeling for most of this year, though it ebbed and flowed with my workload. I had taken a step back in my tech career voluntarily to pursue this creative dream… but I was not where I wanted to be, both in terms of career opportunities and skills. I didn’t know how long it would take me to get there, which adds a layer of uncertainty and ego discomfort that I had a lot of trouble working through. I’m someone who derives a lot of self-worth from career progression and competence. I wasn’t getting that from either my day-job (where I’m a freelancer writing technical content) or creative career (who knows what happens after this film, or if I’ll ever make it in the industry). And if I don’t succeed… then who will I be?

To make this all worse, I’ve been feeling incredibly lonely. Some of it is NYC-specific (a city that rewards ambition and the grind above all else isn’t the best place for emotional connection). Some of it is the limitations of my family and friends, who despite their best intentions, don’t know what it’s like to go through this pivot. It’s not their fault- many of them have other, heavy things going on in their life, and to their credit, they’re always ready to listen. But at the same time, sometimes you don’t want to have to explain yourself, you just want to feel understood.

So, how could I change the course on these feelings and rebuild my sense of fulfillment, confidence, and self-esteem? I needed three things:

A feeling of competence in something I value (feel worthy)
Progress in something that feels meaningful (feel pride)
Deep emotional connection on a consistent basis (feel seen)

Looking forward

I’m still working towards figuring out how I can cultivate more of these things in my life. Some days, it’s the little things, like deadlifting more at the gym or handling a tough conversation well, and I’m trying to teach myself that’s competence too. I’ve also started doing some career thinking for the long-term to help the uncertain side of myself feel better, but I know that this is going to be an ongoing journey.

But perhaps the biggest thing I’ve realized is that when a thing outside of our control creates an outsized reaction, it’s not the thing itself- it’s usually the context surrounding that event that drives our feelings. If other things in my life had been in a better place, or I felt a greater sense of competence in myself, perhaps the shoot news wouldn’t have impacted me that much.

It’s not always easy to muster the energy to analyze our context or sit with our feelings long enough to get here, though—it’s a really overwhelming and uncomfortable process. My advice? Do the thing that feels easy rather than fighting the discomfort, even if it feels counterproductive. It’s not because you don’t need to fight the discomfort- you absolutely do, but that requires energy. Energy can only come from giving ourselves a break and taking a step back, so we can figure out the right next step.