To Mother or Not to Mother?

Unfiltered thoughts on motherhood.

I was 24 when I first doubted motherhood. 

For context: until this point, I had always assumed, ever since I was five, that I would be a mom someday. When I was nine, I had a little doll called Christie that I treated less like a sister and more like a daughter. In college, I was often the friend taking care of other friends when a night out got out of control. Plus, the expectations of having kids existed across both Indian and American cultures, whether it’s my Indian grandmother constantly reminding me of my future children or mentors telling me about their kids “so I know when I’ll be in the same situation someday.” 

By 24, I’d been in the professional workforce for three years, and exposed to the realities of working moms and moms-to-be. I saw women struggling to juggle motherhood and careers, navigating unstable (and expensive) child support systems and perfectionist societal expectations of being a “good” mother, despite supportive husbands. Or paying the motherhood “tax”, where they come back from maternity leave and their job has radically shifted to a semi demotion. 

Career aside, there was also the matter of the state of the world. Climate change, deepening political polarization, widening income inequality… why would you want to bring a child into that kind of world? At the time, my then-boyfriend had two younger siblings, who were growing up in the era of social media, struggling with issues like body dysmorphia, depression, and ADHD while navigating their own privilege. All at the tender ages of 12 and 14. And they weren’t the only kids in their class struggling with these issues.. Perhaps it would be easier to not feel the weight of these choices, rather than try and unintentionally increase suffering along the way. 

Plus, there was the whole actual birthing a child thing. If you Google anything about the birthing process, it reads like a nightmare out of a horror film. Despite the short-term nature, birthing results in a whole range of unpredictable outcomes that could have permanent implications, especially in a society that doesn’t take women of color’s pain seriously. I was talking to a family relative about their birthing experience in the 90s in India. The doctor gave her medicine that resulted in more pain than she was already experiencing. No one told her what was going on or what to expect. Men weren’t allowed in the birthing room and mothers weren’t supposed to be there due to some weird cultural expectation. She was truly, utterly alone throughout the whole process. And thirty years is not that long ago. 

Baby Vinamrata ftw :)

But there was also a curiosity about motherhood. Reading about pregnancy was like discovering a portal to a new side of my body that I had never realized existed. How cool would it be to experience that part of myself? There was something really beautiful about feeling connected to all the women who came before me through this shared experience of pregnancy and child rearing. Plus, even if the future sucks, children are our best shot at making it better. I could raise my kids to be thoughtful, kind, and compassionate individuals that cared about the problems of the world and wanted to become an agent of impact. There was already evidence for this: future generations have already made so much social progress from the past, breaking down generational trauma by making better choices in their lives (and encouraging it from others). But was it self-centered to want kids for my own legacy, or was the decision to have children an inherently selfish decision? 

For the next year, whenever someone asked me about kids, my answer was “I don’t know.” Some people told me that I’ll change my mind when I meet the one. Others told me that I didn’t need to have kids to lead a fulfilling life. Almost all told me to take my time, not rush into anything, but stay open. 

Then, I met my now partner, who was very confident he wanted children, so he can give them the stability, resources, and coping skills that he never received as a child. He wanted to experience loving something so unconditionally and deeply that he didn’t know was possible. I was awestruck by how confident he seemed in his decision, though there was a part of me that felt that fatherhood was a better deal than motherhood, so of course men want to have children. But I could tell that it was something more for him. He wanted to build a future with his partner, really make something together, and even though we had plans of projects and community and other things we wanted to do, kids was a big part of his future legacy. And as things got serious between us, I had to decide if it fit within my future plans as well. 

In the three years we’ve been together, I did get some clarity on motherhood. I don’t know exactly when it happened or how it happened, but somehow, I made up my mind. It wasn’t a fuck yes, something that I woke up one day and decided to join the baby train. Perhaps it was becoming an aunt of two munchkins whom I love very much, deepening my relationship with my partner and seeing a real future together, witnessing positive examples of  people figuring out parenthood and careers, the advancement of my own biological clock, and working on my own anxieties and perfectionist tendencies… but on more days than less, motherhood became something I wanted. Or dare I say, even looking forward to?

I’m not going to lie: I’m still scared about the journey: the messiness, unpredictability, and difficulty of it all. I’m scared of the sacrifices that I’ll have to make, the changes that my body and mind will experience, the new identity that I’ll struggle to understand, and the mistakes I’ll make. But there’s excitement. The new parts of my body I’ll discover during pregnancy. My child’s personality, and discovering our similarities. How my relationship with my partner will transform as we go from teammates living together to taking care of a human being. My future parenting style: a mix of cool and semi-Tiger Asian mom. How motherhood will help me deepen my understanding of my own parent’s choices, especially the imperfect ones. 

I’ve realized that motherhood is a form of self-discovery, a choice that resonates for some women and not for others. And I’m a woman, for now, that resonates with this choice, and hopefully will keep resonating with this choice. I’m not ready to have a baby anytime soon- not for the next four to five years anyways. But it feels exciting to know that it’s on the horizon. 

Thing of Note

Recap: This section is my way of bringing attention to a thing, person, or idea that’s meaningful/related to the mission of this newsletter. This week, I want to highlight  Yellowface by RF Kuang. 

As an aspiring novelist, I’m always excited to read works about the publishing industry, one to contextualize my own experience and two to learn more about the industry. Yellowface does an incredible job of showcasing the experiences of publishing’s desire to “make hits” happen, the culture of the industry, and the role of social media in amplifying the worst of its dynamics. But more so than that, it’s a book about why writers write, and the deep need for validation and attention that many writers crave through their work, sometimes at the expense of self expression. There’s also complicated questions about cultural imperialism and who gets to tell whose story and how. If you heard about the American Dirt controversy, reading Yellowface will feel like deja vu. Highly recommend it!

Thanks for Reading! 

I’m on a journey to create a blended career across the creative arts, tech, and business. This newsletter is my way of sharing my reflections, thoughts, and advice along the way. Here are some ways to support or further collaborate together! 

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