So I Gave My Inner Critic a Hug

Big Feelings, Big Breakthroughs

It started with slowing progress on drafting pages for my novel. Then, I started seeing it everywhere: sending basic emails, preparing for coaching sessions, writing this article. It got so hard to complete tasks that I struggled to write in my journal. I researched “solutions for writer’s block,” experimenting with different ways to structure my writing sessions. But it didn’t work. 

One ordinary afternoon, frustrated with my blocked state, I hit pause. As I ate my lunch,  I wondered if this was a feelings problem. Even for a self-aware person like myself, feeling my feelings is extremely challenging, after years of conditioning in Indian culture and corporate environments to “compartmentalize” any uncomfortable emotions. Maybe I needed to feel through these feelings, applying the lessons from my IFS work with my therapist to work through them. It felt silly to spend an hour “feeling” the feelings when I had already wasted three hours. 

But I figured, why not give it a shot? 

All the Feels

To start, I took a few box breaths to calm down my nervous system. Then, I looked at the feelings wheel to identify what I was feeling. Turns out, it was a lot of feelings. Judgment. Frustration. Inferiority. Overwhelm. Worry. Shame. 

I was angry at always feeling like I was coming short with my work. That it wasn’t going to be good enough. Then I was angry at that anger. Why couldn’t I let go of this need for validation? Don’t I know by now that this is why I became burned out in the first place? Why can’t I be happy just writing, which is already a privilege in itself? 

Why do I keep wanting more? 

I closed my eyes. I visualized in my body where these feelings were coming from, especially the frustration, worry, frustration, and shame. One part screamed at me. The voice that lives in my head rent free for as long as I can remember, usually the loudest voice in my room. 

Say hello to my little friend: the inner critic. 

Like my therapist suggested, I had a 1:1 conversation with this part. This required telling all the other parts (like inner child, parent, etc.) to go into the background. This was easier than I expected. Guess the inner critic is the boss around here. 

Then, we began talking. 

Conversation with the Critic

At first, my critic was upset. They were angry that I was already behind on my first draft self-imposed deadline of April 1. They were worried that our current draft was bad, full of plot holes and derivative ideas. No one would want to publish us. They were scared that we had limited financial runway with the sabbatical, and time before we had a kid, and what if the creative career never takes off? What if we become a nobody, creating something that no one cares about? Wouldn’t that be shameful to our future kids, spouse, and parents? 

Initially, I was angry at this part for telling me yet again, that I wasn’t enough. But when I turned off my own judgment to really listen to it, I was struck by how much this critic was doing. Calculating scenarios, balancing expectations, and finding the best ways to motivate me. It wanted me to realize my full potential, ensure that my parents' sacrifice to this country meant something. That’s so much responsibility for a part to bear. In that moment, I found the resentment melting into compassion. Tears welled in my eyes as I felt the sheer weight of all this part was carrying. 

I acknowledged what the part was telling me, telling it that I finally felt what it was feeling. I apologized for fighting against it, promising to listen to it more closely next time. I could tell that it struck a nerve because it stopped the berating. I asked if I could hug it. It let me. 

I felt a warm glow in my chest. A tiny release. 

But.. what do I do? 

After the chat, I wasn’t sure what to do next. Memories of high school debate came up. I constantly felt like I was trying to be just as good as my brother, who competed on the national circuit. I never made it that far, despite my best attempts. For some reason, I was able to move on from that endeavor senior year of high school, even though I had “failed” to reach the national circuit. 

Why does this matter? What are you trying to tell me? I asked myself. 

Me seeking wisdom in the ether

I went for a walk, listening to podcasts about self-unfolding and emotional fluidity, concepts that are still unfamiliar to me. The tl;dr is to feel your feelings. I wanted to reply: I did. So, why do I not know what to do next? 

Later that day, I re-read my journal entry from the critic conversation, looking for solutions. Nothing. So, I shifted to PM mode, brainstorming possible solutions based on what I knew about shifting my emotional state and energy. Three solutions stood out: 

• Writing first thing in the AM (and going to bed early), usually with a cup of tea. 

• Limited myself to one (big) creative task a day, which these days tends to center around my novel. 

• Not overpacking my weekly schedule, leave room to work through feelings rather than “pushing” myself to work through it. I came up with a ( complex) system to calculate my expected energy on each day and the energy required to complete each task to “sanity check” if I was overloading my days. 

I decided to give these solutions a try over the next week. 

One Week Later. 

So, have I unlocked the secret to eternal productivity? Are ideas pouring out of me like a faucet?

Hah. Nope. 

On the positive side: I am meeting my writing goals. But it (still) feels painful. I felt tired all the time, despite a lower workload and empty calendar space. On the worst days, I feel empty. I continuously refresh my inbox and texts, hoping for something that makes me feel good. 

So does this mean I’m doing it wrong? 

I don’t think so. I think this is all the byproduct of growth and healing. 

Healing is a non-linear process, with lots of little “shifts” that happen over time as stuff gets released. The more I do IFS work, the more I realize that healing requires shifting the same parts to a new purpose. Perhaps my need for validation and status wouldn’t disappear, but rather evolve into something that serves me better. 

But all of these shifts will take time, effort, and (lots of) energy. Energy seems to be especially in demand for me these days, given all the big life events coming up. I need to find a way to keep at the inner work without totally derailing the trajectory of my sabbatical. 

So, I’m trying to find enjoyment, validation, and creative release in my day-to-day life to balance the emotional work. These days, music while I write is giving me a lot of enjoyment, especially Ariana Grande’s new album. I’m also getting back into dance, particularly Cuban Salsa, since writing has shifted from creative release to career. I’m also trying to actively seek validation through sources in my control, whether by mastering a new skill, shipping something, or asking others for it explicitly. 

There’s so much to look forward to in the future: half marathon in one month (April 28 for those who care, also my fiance’s bday), wedding in four months (!!!!!) and a novel first draft that’s 10K words away from done. I’m grateful, nervous, scared, and overwhelmed all at the same time. Those are big feelings to unpack, but I feel that over time, I will find homeostasis. 

One step at a time. 

PS- this is my twentieth post! Thank you to everyone who’s been on this journey with me. Y’all are the real ones ❤️

Thing of Note

Recap: This section is my way of bringing attention to a thing, person, or idea that’s meaningful to me. This week, I want to highlight No Bad Parts by Richard Schwartz. 

If there was ever a book that changed my life the most, it would probably be this one. The ideas behind IFS are shockingly simple yet comprehensive at the same time. The main thesis of the book is that your self is composed of parts. These parts are conditioned to take on certain “roles” in various situations, which served you in the past, but in the present day might not be serving you as well. The goal of IFS isn’t to judge parts based on “goodness” or “badness,” but rather accept that there are no parts. That requires listening to each of the parts, giving them space to feel heard, and offering compassion, which allows them to take on new roles that might serve you today. I’m only a month into this journey and it’s already helping me quite a bit. I highly recommend at least reading through it. 

Thanks for Reading! 

I’m on a journey to create a blended career across the creative arts, tech, and business. This newsletter is my way of sharing my reflections, thoughts, and advice along the way. Here are some ways to support or further collaborate together! 

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