I have commitment issues (with my career)

Still lost even after a year of sabbatical

I’m a year into my sabbatical… and still feel incredibly overwhelmed. 

After my wedding, I started a part-time technical writing role. While I wasn’t ready for a full-time corporate job, I wanted financial stability to buy myself more time to keep exploring creative careers. After months of back-and-forth and an interview later, I signed my contract and began the following Monday. 

It’s been a lot: balancing technical writing, coaching clients, running a coaching business, writing content on Substack/LinkedIn, screenwriting projects (including a short film and TV pilot), networking in the entertainment industry, and exploring TV directing by reading about it. Most weeks, I’m working 6, if not 7, days. 

On the one hand, I love the structure and routine. I love bouncing between different things, especially since all of my projects are in my control. I don’t need to wait for leadership buy-in or a strategy-setting meeting to move forward. 

Lost amongst the bamboo wooded forest (circa trip to Kyoto in 2018)

But it’s also exhausting. The Sunday scaries are back, not because I dread what I do, but because I don’t know how to muster the energy to get through the sheer volume of work. When I try to rest, my overactive, hypervigilant mind constantly monitors my surroundings, making sure that we are “on top of our shit.” This dysregulated nervous system shows up in other parts of my life, preventing me from staying present in relationships. 

It’s clear to me that this is NOT a sustainable state. But how do I choose what to prioritize? 

Interest vs Commitment

This question reminded me of a quote from Bravey by Alexi Pappas, which details her own journey about becoming a filmmaker and Olympian. In it, she talks about the difference between being interested in something versus committing to it: 

To be committed is to be dead set on achieving your goal no matter how much tedious work it takes. If you aren’t committed, you’re only interested. Someone who is interested will dedicate some time and energy to a goal but not enough to make it happen no matter what. It takes a certain amount of extra bravery and dedication to make the leap from interested to committed, often in the most challenging moments when nobody would blame you for quitting.

For me, this translates into two things: discipline and resilience. Commitment requires regularly dedicating time and energy to getting better at your goals, which means you will inevitably have to deprioritize something. But every time I devise a prioritization plan, I feel guilt and shame arise, scolding me to try harder. It’s not the plan; it’s you. So, I bury the feelings inside, put my head down, and work harder. 

But sometimes, I wonder: what’s under the shame and guilt? 

Hello, it’s me fear, again

I can’t choose because I’m scared of failing. Deep down, I know my dreams lie in writing and making films and TV shows. But I’m scared that if I commit to that, really go after it, I might fail, which might mean giving up. Or maybe I’ll succeed for a few years, and then something will happen, and my career will dry up. 

What will I do then? Without a dream, I worry about returning to some of my darkest pre-sabbatical days, where I felt so empty, depressed, and hopeless about myself and my place in the world. 

But in avoiding what I want, I’m falling into old patterns, which is to do it all and deal with the consequences to my body later. It’s worked for me in the past, getting me into Stanford, where I juggled multiple student clubs. It got me into Google, where I juggled numerous side projects. It got me through working at Match, writing, and coaching on the side. It feels safe. 

But that safety comes at a price. 

Making the Choice

I am energized by a strong vision and career direction. It’s one of the things I miss the most about my product career. Not having that career north star feels really de-energizing. I hate that if someone asked me where I wanted to be five years from now, I would not have an answer with high conviction. 

Sure, it would be cool if I were a working screenwriter, staffed in a real writer’s room. But do I also want to be a director? Own a production studio? Or is all this entertainment thing a pipe dream,  a fad, and where I really belong is back in tech, channeling my creative energy into running a product team? 

But developing conviction and vision requires time and space—antithetical to the “do it all” approach. Pursuing something truly meaningful demands sacrifice, and I've accepted I need to make tough decisions to discover and actually chase my dream.  Therefore, I've decided to remove one commitment from my life by November. I'll dedicate the remainder of October to reflection and crafting a plan for moving forward.

While this decision makes sense, there are a lot of mixed emotions. 

I feel sad, because I love everything I’m doing now, from coaching to this Substack to screenwriting. I am sad about having to give up something I love. 

I feel scared, because deprioritizing something means accepting that I still don’t know where my career is going. I see myself as someone who has all the answers, and not being this person freaks me out. 

I feel shame, because I’ve been experimenting for almost a year and like… does it really take other people this long to figure it out? 

But on the other hand… 

I feel grateful, because even after this pivot, I will still do things I love and care about. 

I feel proud because I’ve made progress by trying new things, reflecting from the process, and iterating.

I feel hopeful because if I’m deprioritizing things that I like… that means I’m close to figuring it out. 

Right?

Thanks for Reading! 

I’m on a journey to share the messiness of my career transition into a creative & entrepreneurial career while also reflecting on the hard-won lessons from my product career. 

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